My Story

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2023 update interview with Learning RX

2021

I don't know exactly when it sunk in for me what happened to my body that night.  But this is my attempt at summarizing what life has felt like for the last 15 months.  I had a grand mal seizure and a heart rate in the 30s.  I fell head first and suffered a concussion.  A few months after that, I was diagnosed with post concussive syndrome.  This is my story.

August 31, 2021 

I had been sick in bed for two full weeks with a fever that was averaging around 102.  I spent the day on the phone with my doctor and the school nurse where I had taught for the past few years.  I was instructed to rest through the night & then provide updates the following morning.  

It was dark, but not that late.  I walked into my parent's bedroom and told my mom I felt funny.  Being the nurse that she is, she checked out my vitals.  It was probably exhaustion.  Drink some more water and then go back to bed.  I was sitting up and reached for the trashcan.

I remember little else that happened that night.

Lots of strangers in the hallway and foyer.  Winnie barking in the bedroom.  The bright lights of the ambulance.  The closed ambulance door.  Where is my mom?  I want my mom.   The paramedic putting tubes in my nose.  "Take slow deep breaths" he said in a calm steady voice.

For what felt like hours, I was on a hospital bed in the hallway.  Lots of people going in and out of doors.  The florescent lights made my head burn.  Where is my dad? Does he know I'm here? I want my dad. Where is he?

They wheeled me down the hallway into an ER room.  Mom stood in the doorway.  Relief flooded my whole body at seeing her smiling face.  Lots of people in and out.  Lots and lots of tests.

Around 6am on September 1st they moved me to a room where I would spend the next few days.  That time was a blur.  I remember a few things from those days: September was written on the board.  When did it become September? How did I get here?  Mom was there.  My lifelong best friend hopped in the car and drove 5 hours to come be in HSV.  She wasn't allowed to come in the hospital.  My mom met her at the door.  She sent me a bag of goodies.  It had facewipes.  That was such a treat.

Coming Home

After a few nights in the hospital, I was released in the evening.  The car ride home was excruciating and I couldn't understand why.  I would later realize it was the concussion making me sick in the front seat of Dad's car.  With help I made it up the 3 steps that go from the garage to the kitchen.  My brothers tried to hold Winnie back.  One of them helped me to the couch.  I sat there, exhausted and confused.  I couldn't turn my head or move my eyes.  My right side didn't move right.  What is wrong with me? What happened?  My mom had to get right in front of my face to ask if I needed anything.  My eyes filled with tears.  My bible.  I just want my bible. That bible that I slept with throughout college.  That bible that gave life to my dead heart.  That bible that held so many tear stained pages.

I was so angry at God before August 31, 2021.  I had purposely avoided the word because of everything it stirred up.  And now after going through this ordeal of pain & confusion, I wanted the comfort that only the familiar pages of my bible could bring.  My mom brought it to me.  I opened it.  My heart broke.  The symptoms overwhelmed me.  The room was spinning & upside down, nausea rose to the roof of my mouth, my eyes couldn't focus on any of the words.  I couldn't look at it without spinning out of control with symptoms.  Something like shock & grief dug deep into my heart.  I don't have words to express how much that moment hurt. 

September 2021

Lots of doctor appointments and lots & lots & lots of medical tests.  All the doctors scratched their heads.  Walking was challenging.  Feeding myself was challenging.  Reading & writing were impossible.  Seeing movement was overwhelming.  Light & noise were unbearable.  My head, neck, right side, and eyes were all impacted.  The only helpful thing the doctors could tell me was no work & no driving.  

October 2021

It was a process to find a doctor who knew how to help me.  After lots of doctor visits were unfruitful, I ended up at Vanderbilt Hospital.  Then the therapies began...physical, occupational, speech, cognitive, acupuncture, nerve, & chiropractic.  Lots of appointments, lots of frustration & lots of lonely days.

Winter 2021

The holidays came and went.  The therapies continued.  I was let go at my job and placed on long term disability.  I dyed my hair purple. 

Spring 2022

I got to visit my kids at school & my brother got married. My kids made me laugh & I was able to stand for the entire wedding ceremony.  I could spend a full 3 minutes with an open book before being overcome by symptoms.  I began to be able to move my head and eyes in physical therapy.  It was all exhausting, but life-giving.

Fall 2022

My Prayer & Share family prays for me.  I'm able to go back to small group & stay longer than 10 minutes.  I can write my name again.  Depression had a heavy hold on me, but by the grace of God I pick up a paint brush.  The 2023 calendar comes to life.

Present Day

I still struggle with lots of invisible symptoms.  Lots of feelings of loneliness & isolation.  I’ve learned there is a saying in the TBI community that says, “you can’t see it, but I can feel it.”  Yet, God continues to show me that He sees me.  On days when symptoms are too much, He sees & He knows.

I still have a long way to go, but I have also come so far in my recovery. 

This is what remains on the bucket list:

• Go back to church
• Read for more than 10 minutes
• Move my head, neck, and eyes without symptoms
• Go down stairs without symptoms
• Tolerate light & noise
• Drive again!
• Return to some type of work environment

Progress is possible.  It can feel slow and hard and frustrating, but it's there.  Moving two steps forward and three steps back is still a step in the right direction.  A dear friend told me recently, "it's okay to be sad about the old you.  It's okay to miss her.  But I really like this new you & I think you will learn to love her too."  It was profound words that spoke warm comfort to my heart.  I'm wrestling with the beauty of that today.  Wrestling with the beauty that says He never wastes pain.  He has treasures that He longs to give us in the darkness.  Treasures that we will carry with us long after the darkness has passed.  All we have to do is ask Him to help us.