SEPTEMBER '24

 

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled & do not be afraid." - John 14:27

By the time you're reading this, it will be just under a month since my Gran entered heaven.  I've lost people before, but she is so much harder.  I didn't see her every day, but I miss her every day.  The grief runs deep and I don't know that I'll ever "get used to it."  Heck, I don't know that I want to "get used to it."   I debated what exactly I wanted to share about her, but I landed on one (of many) words of wisdom she gave me.  She gave me this wisdom in one of the darker seasons of my life.  It was also the season Jesus would give me John 14:27 and teach me about sunflowers, so I think it's appropriate.

She is the same grandmother who I shared about this past July.  

When I was in high school I experienced a trauma that changed my life.  I know "trauma" has become somewhat of a buzz word these days, but it really is the best way to describe what happened.  The police had to be involved- I don't know if you've ever experienced that.  It was scary for them to be involved even though I was the victim.  My parents were amazing- they both stepped in and helped me in the ways I needed.  It would take years before I could whisper words about this trauma to a professional counselor.  It was scary and traumatizing and it changed me in the way only deep trauma can.  Yet, as you'll see through my story, God brought me through it.  Today by His grace alone I can say that this event no longer holds any power over me.  It's a story for another day, but I fully believed I would carry it to my grave. BUT GOD- He had something else in mind and brought me complete freedom.  It is now a memory instead of a trauma & a scar instead of a wound.

Okay, back to Gran... 

Soon after the trauma, I sat at my Gran's kitchen table and told her what happened.  She listened carefully as I poured forth the details the best way I knew how.  As I spoke, her gaze never left me.  I was upset and terrified.  Tears burned the corners of my eyes while a lone tear rolled down her cheek.  She quietly took my hands.  (If you knew Gran, you knew that she was never quiet.)  But in this moment, she didn't say anything.  She just held my hands and listened.  Looking back at that day, I believe in her silence she was praying for God to give her the right words...because boy did the right words come.  After I finished talking, she looked me in the eye and gently said "Emily, God was with you even there."  

Even there- in the worst moment of my life (up until then)- God was present.  Gran shared many more words of encouragement & wisdom that day.  Her words are encouragement that I will carry close to my heart for the rest of my days.  Even there- God was present.  At that point in my life, this was the closest experience I had ever had with evil.  (Evil is not a word I use lightly, but I use it here intentionally because that is the most accurate way to describe what happened.)  My Gran spoke truth and love over me in those days.  I didn't realize at the time how hurtful people could be in response to trauma- so I shared my story with others who were not as gracious as my Gran.  I say that to say: If you have someone in your life who is dealing with an evil- treat them with love and patience.  People who have been harmed by evil need love and mercy- not judgement or condemnation.

Do you have a place in your heart that you wonder: was He there?  

I know I do.

In John 14:16- Jesus assures us that we are never alone, if we have the Holy Spirit.  "And I [Jesus] will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, to be with you forever..."  The Helper mentioned in this verse is the Holy Spirit.  There are many other places in scripture that talk about God never leaving us...just a simple Google search will pull up several.  

Talking to Gran about my situation was easy - talking to Jesus about it was another story.  See, I was not as secure in my relationship with Jesus as I was with my Gran.  I shared this concern with her, and she encouraged me to not hesitate about taking this to the Lord.  She encouraged me to remember who the Bible says God is, not what the voice in my head was telling me about Him.  For example, scripture speaks of Him being the Good Shepherd and yet I was afraid He was more like the wolf.  Gran encouraged me to look for the attributes of God in scripture and keep a list with me.  Start with the letter A, she told me, and list everything you can find about God that starts with A.  Then move on to B and so on and so forth.

If you struggle like I do, I encourage you to make your own lists describing the attributes of God.

My nervous system was all out of whack in those days and I lived with a deep fear of the evil I saw face to face.  When the nightmares started, sleep became a battle.  One night I woke up in a sweat unsure of where I was (despite being home in my own bed).  There sat my bible next to me.  I turned on a lamp and it fell open to John 14.  Verse 27 immediately caught my eye: "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled & do not be afraid."   This verse became my lifeline.  This bible verse- John 14:27 - was planted in my heart during that season of fear and lack of sleep.  Jesus spoke it over my frightened body in the way that only He could and it became an anchor for my faith.  An anchor that says peace is possible - even when fear is pushing all the blood out of your nervous system and onto the floor.  John 14:27 became a life verse for me- it is always among the verses I turn to on the hardest of days.  God planted it when I was a scared, traumatized teenager, and it has continued to grow as I walk through adulthood.  

Do you have a life verse?  A verse that ministers to your soul in the way only the Holy Spirit can?  If not, I encourage you to ask Him to give you one.  Write it on an index card and carry it in your pocket.  Put it on your mirror.  Write it on your arm.  Whatever it takes to keep it in your mind.

Then, there's the sunflowers.  Sunflowers are my most favorite flower.  I love their yellow coloring and how tall they can grow.  More than that though- I love that they track the sun.  Sunflowers follow a scientific process called heliotropism, which basically means they follow the sun with a circadian clock.  They literally rotate with the sun as it moves from rising in the East to setting in the West.  Then in the dark of night, they turn back toward the East in anticipation of the sun rising.

I want to be like that.    I love the sunflower because it follows the sun.  I want to follow the Son all my days- through the sun and the storm.  The sunflowers "reset" in the dark of night- they turn towards the East with full anticipation that the sun will rise again - even if it has been a day full of clouds and storms.

What do you do when it is dark?  When midnight falls on your soul and there seems to be no more hope?  Where do you fix your gaze?  May I gently nudge you to look towards the Son?  Turn toward Jesus and anticipate Him bringing you through the darkness.  Set your gaze on Scripture as the sunflower sets itself toward the East.  He is with you, even in this darkness.  I pray He fills your heart with hope again.  He loves you so much- He has not left you in this dark space.  As the scripture tells us in Psalm 139:11-12, 

"If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to You; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You."

I need to remember that in the dark of night- turn towards Jesus because even the darkness is not dark to Him.  We live in that weird "already, but not yet" phase of God's plan where Jesus has come and rescued us from our sins, but we still live on a broken earth.  So whatever your day looks like- sunny or dark, may you be like the sunflower and keep your eyes fixed on Him.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:18

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." - Revelation 21:3-4

I miss you, Gran.  

Thank you for showing me how to fix my gaze on Jesus.  Until we meet again in the City that "has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb."  (Rev. 21:23)

I will always love you.

Love,

your emily