July '26

I've said it before and I'll say it again:  Each year there has been a painting that hits closest to home.  This year it is July's painting that pulls on the most heart strings.

I have wrestled with what to say or not say about this painting/lyrics.  Both bring all encompassing emotion - some good and some hard.  I pray reading this encourages you that God's love is deeper than anything that He allows us to go through.

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There have been a handful of different times in my life where God let my heart break.  Like the "shattered into a million pieces not knowing how to take my next breath" kind of break.  They were all hard in their own ways.  Some of them I can understand the logic behind it, and some of them I can't understand at all.  Either way, God is there.  Either way, He wants us to be open with Him.  Either way, He invites us to bring it to Him.  He invites us into the wrestling match when we struggle with a hardship that He allows.  He may let your heart break, and that is a really hard thing to process.  Yet, even if He allows it to happen, He will be with you in the weeping.  When you weep, you will never weep alone.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:3-4

I don't understand Him, but I know He is good.

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A dear friend suggested (during one of those heartbreak seasons) that I go on a "personal retreat."  I looked at her inquisitively.  She shared about this little Convent in Georgia where you could reserve a cabin or a room for 1-2 people.  She had spent time there when things were hard and she needed to get away with Jesus for a weekend.

I found myself there a few weeks later not really knowing what to do.

Everything that had happened made me feel as if God did not want me.  I felt like damaged goods.  

I was sitting outside doing my bible study (as any good Christian girl does) overlooking lots and lots of beautiful greenery.   I came across a reflection question that poked right at the most tender spot in my broken heart.  I don't remember the exact wording, but essentially it wanted you to reflect upon how you feel about God.  I started to fight the hot tears that were stinging the corner of my eyes.  I looked up as if I could push them back down into my tear ducts.

Looked down again, "how do you feel about God?"

There was no holding back the tears this time.

I quickly got up and went back inside the cabin - I needed to put that study away!!

The question still lingered in my mind, "how do you feel about God?"

This time the flood gates opened and I started to let those wooden cabin walls have it...

"Why do You hate me?

How could You hurt me like this?

What are You doing?

I don't understand!  

You are the One who created me!

You wanted ______ and so I laid it down, but it's like You've rejected it!

Why have You rejected me?

Why don't You want me anymore?

Was __________ really so bad that you had to toss me aside?

Am I trash to You?

You used Paul!

What is so wrong with me that You wanted him, but not me?!

Was Your grace enough for him, but not for me?!

Nothing is too hard for You! 

You could want me if You really wanted to!

Why don't You want me anymore?!"

The Spirit was quiet. 

That frustrated me.

The questions and accusations continued as I sobbed on the bed.  

I sobbed most of the day & cried myself to sleep that night.

Still with no answer from the Lord...He was silent...

When I woke up the next morning, this was my view:

And these words were in my head:

"How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

that He should give His only Son

to make a wretch His treasure"

Over and over again they repeated.

"How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

that He should give His only Son

to make a wretch His treasure"

I wasn't sure if it was scripture or a song or what so I googled it.

This came up: 

More tears came in the morning.  This time though they were tears of relief.

I learned something very important in that little cabin:

God never leaves.

He can handle feelings & toddler-like temper tantrums.

He wants me to be honest with Him.

All of that hurt and anger and grief was bottled up inside me.  God knew it was there whether or not I shared it with Him.  Nothing I said surprised Him, nothing I felt surprised Him, nothing surprises God.  He knows all things and in Him all things hold together.

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You want to know something really cool about sea turtles?

They are born in the sand.  They spend about a week working their way out of the shell.  Once they emerge (at night) they crawl towards the light.  Which at night, is the moon reflecting on the water.  They wrestle through the sand, using their whole body to push themselves towards the light.  The water is where they are meant to be - it is their home.

God was speaking through the prophet Isaiah to the nation of Israel when He said: "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you..." -Isaiah 43:2

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So, if you're going through a season of brokenness, take heart.  

He is with you.  Tell Him what you really feel - be honest with Him - it won't scare Him away.  He already knows what's in our hearts.

Remember that His love for you is deeper than can be measured.

He gave His only Son because He wanted to call you His treasure.