MAY 25

This painting is dedicated to my students.

I was in a classroom for 9 years before my TBI in 2021.  If I had them in kindergarten, we watched the transformation of going from a caterpillar to a butterfly. This painting is dedicated to all the kids I got to know during my 9 years in a classroom. During that time I had students that ranged from preschool aged to rising 6th graders, and I can remember them all.  

I miss them.  I miss all of them.  

Today, one of them is already in heaven.

The rest currently range from 3rd graders to college age.

Students,

You still bring me joy - even all these years later. May the Lord bless you and keep you. I love you and I remember you. Thank you for the honor of being your teacher.

Love,

Ms. Emily/Ms. Fowler

_____________________________

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  -Romans 12:1-2

I knew including this verse in the calendar would challenge me. I had no idea how deeply it would cut into my heart and work a healing.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

"Be transformed by the renewal of your mind." 

I must admit: if anyone besides the Holy Spirit had said this to me, I would want to slap them.

I've only lived in the TBI world for 3 1/2 years, but during that time I've learned lots of words that are not helpful to someone dealing with a chronic (invisible) illness:

"You don't look injured."

"What idiot gave you a handicap placard?  You should save that space for someone who actually needs it."

"You respond to texts and write a blog, of course you can read."

"You should just try harder."

"We assumed you wouldn't feel like going."

"You must be lazy to not go back to teaching."  

"You function better than_______ and she has a job.  What's wrong with you?"

"You were so much prettier when you weighed less."

"If you didn't wear a bun so often you wouldn't have so many headaches."

All of these statements were said with both good intention and a severe lack of knowledge.  They all show that the person(s) do not understand TBIs.

My mom once told me, "If you don't know what to say, say nothing and hold their hand.  Otherwise you might say something hurtful without meaning to.  You'll open your mouth and prove how much you really don't get what they are walking through.  Sometimes people don't necessarily need to be understood as much as they need to know they are not alone."

As much as those statements hurt me at the time, I can forgive them because I know they are ignorant.  I know they don't understand how my body works now.  I can accept that.  Ignorance doesn't erase hurt feelings, but it helps me to let those sayings go.  It helps when it comes to people...but what do I do when those same feelings arise with God?

This month's verse speaks of "be transformed by the renewal of your mind."  This month's verse comes from the One who knows all things.  He is not ignorant.  He doesn't misunderstand.  His understanding is deeper than we can fathom (Isaiah 40:28).  When I read this verse that speaks of renewing the mind, my heart screams.  I want to yell up into the heavens, "I HAVE TRIED AND I AM STILL TRYING!  CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!?"

You see, when you get that diagnosis (and it can be one of many) your life changes from living to "how can I get back to where I was?"  I can't tell you what I would give to have my brain and body feel like me again.  I feel like a stranger in my own skin and I don't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

I spend 4-7 days a week doing some type of therapy.  My life revolves around appointments and therapy exercises.  Friends, family, and everything else falls to the back burner.  I don't know from one day to the next if I'll be able to function or be stuck in bed all day.  Over the last few years I've gotten better at hiding it, but the symptoms are still there.

So when God says, "be transformed by the renewing of your mind" I can't help but weep.  I put all my effort into renewing my physical brain.  Even with all my efforts, I know He could change it all.  I KNOW He could heal me with one word.  He could take all the pain with just the breath of his mouth.  I know He could, and yet I continue to struggle.  What do I do with that?  

What do we do when our Sovereign God doesn't take it away?  

Your "it" may be different from mine, but as humans we all have something that we struggle with- its the nature of our "already, but not yet" lives while we live on this side of the cross in a broken world.  I've shared what this verse stirs up for me.  Take  moment and consider: what does it stir for you?  What nook or cranny of your heart does it tap on?

Matthew 26:36-46 ESV says:

Jesus asked the Father to take the cup.  Jesus asked the Father for another way.  Luke's account tells us more of what was happening inside Jesus' body: "And being in agony He prayed more earnestly; and His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." 

Sweating blood is now a known phenomenon called hematohidrosis.  It's a rare condition where under extreme distress, a person can sweat blood.  That means "agony" is probably too gentle of a word to describe Jesus' state in the garden.  I've known of people that have been through hell and back, but not a single one tells of their sweat turning to blood.  From that I conclude the following:

Jesus was beyond upset.  He past anxious a long time ago in His prayers to His Father.  If anyone on this sinful earth felt its full effect- it was Jesus.  Whatever "it" is for you- Jesus has not turned a blind eye.  He is with you now and always.  He knows how it feels because He was both God and man at the same time.  Just check out Hebrews 4 for some specifics. 

Just a quick note: If there is something specific that comes to mind, stop reading this blog and ask the Holy Spirit to show you in the scriptures the verse(s) that you need.  Seriously, ask Him to show you and then spend time searching.  Blue Letter Bible is a great resource if you need something to help get you started.  You may not walk away from that time with all your questions answered, but when we ask for bread He won't give us a stone (Matthew 7).  So be bold and ask (Ephesians 3).

I [Paul] appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  -Romans 12:1-2

The command to be transformed by the renewal of your mind is nestled between not behaving like the world and discerning the will of God. Science is proving that our brains can change. As believers, we want that change to be reflected to represent Christ. As humans, that change can be seen through a phenomenon called neuroplasticity.

Basically all that means is that science has proven this scripture to be true- your brain has the capacity to create new neural pathways. Your brain has the capacity to be renewed. We just have to be faithful to obey - for my TBI I will see the changes if I do my therapy exercises on a regular basis. For my heart, I can see the change if I take "it" (whatever your "it" is) to the Lord day after day. I'm not saying we are transformed on our own, but rather renewing our minds and asking the Sprit to help us will bring about transformation. Earlier in this post I mentioned that it was my efforts of trying to get my brain back to the level it was before the accident. We know that God knows better than us and His ways are higher. Therefore, while it is important to continue the therapies - ultimately my healing will come from God. Ultimately all healing comes from Him- so whatever you need healed today, take it to Him.

I said at the beginning that this scripture stirs up pain in my heart. Pain because I KNOW He is able, but for reasons I can't understand He is choosing to lead me through healing instead of just delivering me from it. If you're in the same place of walking through deliverance, take heart dear Christian. It won't be wasted. Consider 2 Corinthians 4.  Consider Job.  Give this song a listen if you need some encouragement.

Whew! You still with me? We're almost done for today. I have one last thing to share with you:

Disclaimer: The following clip is from a TV show about Jesus & the disciples. It is not a word for word account nor should it be seen to have the same level of truth that Scripture carries. Scripture is the Living Word of God (Hebrews 4:12). This clip is a show made by humans to illustrate a point about the heart of the Father. It was encouraging to me, so I hope it encourages you as well.

For context, Jesus has just told the disciples He is sending them out to the lost sheep of Israel. Jesus also told them that they have been given authority to drive out evil spirits and heal every sickness and disease. The Biblical account can be found in Matthew 10. The actor who plays "Little James" walks with a limp in real life.

Did something stick out to you?  If so, stop reading here and tell God what is on your heart.

One part that really kicks me in the stomach is when James tells Jesus he feels like a burden.  I know that feeling all too well.  I've lived it.  It is a heavy weight to carry.  

I don't know if you've ever felt that way, but I'm here to tell you: 

You are not alone & you are not a burden.

  

God created you on purpose for a purpose.

I often feel like a burden to my family and to my friends that have stuck around even when I wasn't able to be there for them.  I feel like a burden when I ask for a ride or when I break down and sob for no real reason except just being weary of the path.

If you feel like a burden, may you hear Him gently whisper your name.  May He breathe life over your tired bones and speak words of healing.  

Before you leave, read this verse out loud:

"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30

He is calling you.  

Go to Him.  

Go to Him and take whatever you are carrying.  

He's ready to meet with you.  

He loves you so very much.  

You are not now (nor have you ever been) a burden to Him.

He is honored to be invited into your pain.

What are you waiting for?